Tonga Tales: Sweat, Skirts, and Suspicions of Sumo Conspiracies

 

Tonga. A land where the sun doesn’t just shine - it actively seeks vengeance, where ministerial delegations wear skirts with more swagger than a Scottish rugby team, and where the local dogs have mastered the art of horizontal loafing. Buckle up, dear reader, for a day in Nuku’alofa that was equal parts tropical idyll and slapstick comedy.  

Disembarkation: A Wobble Through the Gauntlet

The first challenge of Tongan tourism? Surviving the cruise ship gangway. Picture this: a parade of sunburned, overfed Brits (yours truly included) shuffling down steep steps like walruses on sedatives, stomachs swaying in unison to the beat of traditional Lakalaka music. The temperature: 27°C. 

A gale-force wind offered fleeting mercy, though it carried the distinct whiff of SPF 50 melting directly into the Pacific.  

By the time we’d navigated the human obstacle course to the dock, the local dancers were packing up. But fear not! The *Lakalaka*—Tonga’s national dance of rhythmic clapping and storytelling—was set for an encore at 5pm. Translation: “You’ll watch it, and you’ll like it, just before we sail away.”

Stumbling out of the port, we collided (literally) with a delegation of Tongan dignitaries. These men were dressed in tailored jackets, crisp shirts, tupenu skirts, and woven aprons that screamed “I’m either a government official or a very chic cult leader.” Turns out, it was the former. Through a mix of awkward compliments and desperate photo requests, we learned we’d accosted the Minister for Tourism and Minister for Justice. Their mission? To present a plaque to the *Queen Anne* cruise ship. Our mission? To stop sweating through our shirts.  

Pro tip: In Tonga, assume every well-dressed stranger is someone important. Especially if their SUV sports a national flag and an aura of “Don’t ask about the Masonic lodge.”

The tourist market was a riot of shell necklaces, cow-bone trinkets, and fridge magnets featuring… more cows. But the real spectacle was the Talamahu Market, a labyrinth of locals crafting traditional attire. Think: women weaving pandanus leaves into skirts with the speed of caffeinated spiders. Fascinating, until my neck—now the colour of a recently boiled lobster began sizzling audibly. Retreat to the ship for emergency aloe vera and a collared shirt that screamed “I’ve given up on life, give me ice”

By midday, hunger struck. We sought out HALA HIHIFO Kitchen & Grill, a recommendation from the tourist board agent, a tinted-windowed enigma that, inside, was heaving with Tongan sumo wrestler-sized patrons (no judgment—we’d have been gym-regulars too if our commutes involved outrunning cyclones). The menu? A carnivore’s fever dream: whole lamb necks, chickens stuffed like piñatas, and mystery meat wrapped in taro leaves. We ordered two “plates” (read: troughs) and a Coke.  

Then chaos: *the credit card machine had run out of paper*. Cue a pantomime of panic, until the owner—a saint in apron form—shrugged and said, *“Just take it.”* We guiltily thrust $10 at her, which she accepted like we’d handed her a used tissue. The food? Unidentifiable but hearty. Highlights included cassava (imagine a potato’s blander cousin) and “watermelon drink”—a pulpy concoction sucked through a straw the width of a garden hose.  

Post-lunch, we waddled past the King’s Palace- a charming wooden relic that looks like it was built by a Victorian carpenter on a gap year—and the British High Commission, which resembled a sandcastle post-tide. A lone UK-registered car sat outside the New Zealand consulate, radiating “We’re just here until the duct tape arrives.”

Tonga’s architectural philosophy? “Why fix a roof when a mango tree can hold it up?”Homes oscillated between charming fixer-upper and opulent billionaire bunker all swallowed by jungle. The dogs, meanwhile, had achieved peak relaxation: sprawled in shade, barely lifting a paw unless a tourist’s snack wafted by.  

The 5pm *Lakalaka* performance was worth the sunstroke. Chanting, synchronized clapping, and costumes that put my floral shirt to shame. As the ship’s horn blared, signalling our escape from this sweaty paradise, I reflected: Tonga is chaos, but the good kind—where generosity trumps credit card receipts, ministers wear skirts better than kilts, and every sunburn tells a story.  

**Epilogue**: If you visit Tonga, pack cash, SPF 100, and humility. And maybe a fan. A big one.